Isekai’d Shoggoth - Chapter 119: Goose Moments

Chapter 119: Goose Moments

Duel at the dawn. Honestly, it’s like they’re trying to make me as mad as possible. Oh, and Claudius is looking very ruffled. In fact, he is whisper-shouting something to Tamaya, who is shaking her head and making shushing motions with her hands. Well, I assume they are shushing, in any case. Wonder what’s up…

“…obviously used forbidden fire magics!” – Claudius finishes angrily just as I manage to get an eyespider within eavesdropping distance.

“Unaffiliated clans had kept watch on both glades, as clan duel customs mandate. No magic had been cast from outside, indeed no member of clan Zappa had left their glade since evening.” – Tamaya turns him down – “Insofar, I am more inclined to think that your wife was attempting some kind of ritual to improve your nephew’s chances and flubbed it badly. You are entirely welcome to bring up this situation in Counsel, but only after this duel is settled. That is, unless you want to forfeit and give up on requested boon forever?”

He visibly grits his teeth, but then simmers down. “There WILL be a reckoning for this.” – he then promises grimly – “This treachery against mighty Elsinores will not go unanswered.”

Tamaya just… waves him off. “Do what you believe you must do, clan head, but remember well your limitations.” – she intones – “To be entirely frank with you? I do not believe you will live long enough to attend today’s Counsel. Your actions, regardless of how well or ill they fit elven custom, anger the Tool of Gods, and treeborn as a whole are not going to lay down their lives for your sake.”

“We are entirely within our rights!” – he yelps back angrily – “How dare you imply otherwise. Perhaps you should spend less time currying favor with Zappas and more time reacquainting yourself with our custom and law. T’is unconscionable for a Counsel head to not know the basics. Indeed, I believe I shall bring this failure up at the next meeting. Then we’ll see who is going beyond their remit.”

Tamaya sighs. “Claudius, listen to me well.” – she says forcefully – “I make no claim at all about how legal your actions are. I am pointing out that SHOGGOTH does not care if what you are doing is aligned to our customs or not. Our ancestors also believed they were in the right until the very moment their heads were eaten. This being said, I wash my hands of you. I have given you a warning, what to do with it is entirely up to you. In all honesty, I am just making a pointless gesture of civility here, your fate likely was sealed the moment the challenge was issued. Lady Gillespie was very clear numerous times she views any and all attempts to command her romantic affiliation as a personal affront and has zero hesitation in affirming her views with overwhelming violence.”

“I care not one whit what she views.” – he bites back – “There are laws for that sort of thing.”

Huh. Claudius seems to be the cocky lawyer type. But… Just how the hell did that clown did not get assassinated by his own clan for the promotion already? Fools are lucky, I guess. Anyway, dude is hopelessly hypocritical. No, naively hypocritical, even. I wager that if I were to raise the topic of his clan being treacherous, he would just shrug it off as “revered customs”, but do the same thing to them, and it’s high crime. Hence, I believe I am going to single out Polonius in my challenge. Why? Well… I am going to go with a simple backhand insult – I would just state out loud that it’s inconceivable that a simpleton like Claudius could possibly come up with such a scheme, therefore it is obvious Polonius is responsible for everything… Well, insofar as Polonius is within my expectations, that is. I haven’t seen the dude… ooh, nevermind, here he is.

Curiouser and curiouser. He seems to be impacted by whatever fiery mishap that occurred stronger than Claudius. And taking into consideration that Tamaya mentioned it’s Gertrude who had the mishap… Hrm. I wonder. If it was not fire-related, I’d assume that Gertrude was that crafty intruder last night. Who, then? Claudius?…Doubtful. I can’t put my finger on it, but he kinda reeks of falling short on… well, everything. Polonius? Dunno, I need to get some data on the bastard post-haste. Hamlet? Probably not, Moon Unit mentioned most elves consider dreamwalking to be one hell of an effort, I doubt he would care to show up to his own duel exhausted. Even young elves are not that foolhardy. Laertes trying to aid his buddy?… Come to think of it, if Claudius wanted rights to date me as a victory prize, then who did they expect to slot in as my paramour? Hamlet? Good grief, now I want to eat everyone’s heads out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Wait. Wait wait wait wait. What if… it was Gertrude who invaded my dream? I did not skimp on my projection of Oneiros, nor on the possible inhabitants. What if I drove her nuts with brief exposure and Claudius covered it up by setting his freshly nutty wife on fire?.. Messed up, but kinda lines up with the wonky shit elves are prone to doing when they think no one can call them out on it. Need more data. Damn it, I should have bugged their glade last night. But then I’d have to find out which one is theirs and… bother bother bother bother BOTHER. And Polonius is being too fucking passive right now. All he did was wish good luck to his nephew and park himself in a chair.

…I think I need to discard my Shakespearean presumptions, here. Even though Dweezil mentioned Polonius is infamous for goofing up in a brawl, I shouldn’t have assumed he would be identical to the character in all ways. Again, I would be hard-pressed to explain why in concise terms, but his posture, bearing, the way he shifts attention and holds himself? In short, I am reasonably certain that Polonius is the true power in that clan. And considerably more dangerous than the rest of them taken together. Because Claudius is just a bagful of hot air. Wonder why Polonius is having this “I am grieving but keeping things out of sight” air about him? Literally, I can smell fresh lacrimal discharge on his face… Tears, basically. Maybe he was the one to “handle” Gertrude, assuming my theory about her using dreamwalk and wrecking her mind in the process is true.

Compared to him, the rest of the clan notables are… meh. Claudius had been ranting non-stop about how much in his not so humble opinion the world and the law owes “the glorious Elsimores” for merely existing. He continues to bedazzle with his extensive doublethink capability, while at it. Somehow, in the very same sentence, the very same actions undertaken by Elsinores sound like a heroic feat, but Zappas obviously can not possibly execute it as anything other than rankest villainy. Impressively stupid. Hamlet and Laertes… are discussing me and Moon Unit. And briefly mentioning other wives. Hamlet apparently believes that winning (as he has no doubt he will) this bout would entitle him to be “tenderly and wantonly loved” by my entire harem, including me and Moon Unit. Somehow. Not sure if he is playing up being a delusional nutter like in the play, or he is genuinely that clueless. Laertes seems to be a bit more grounded… and a LOT more racist. If Moon Unit doesn’t kill him, I will, because he just compared sleeping with Bridgit, Lily-Anne and Roxolane to bestiality. They do seem to be genuinely best pals, however.

I don’t really have time for any good skulduggery, but I can at least psyche the dynamic douchebags out. On one hand, making Hamlet nervous would probably amp up his performance in the fight with Moon Unit. On the other, if he is tense and unsure, he is bound to make more mistakes. And if I am right in my assessment, those folks are actually pretty green and coddled for elves. Hamlet and Laertes, in particular. They have this “of course everything will go my way” air about them that only naive kids tend to sport. Huh. I wonder what is up. One would think that losing his father at least would have given some hard knocks to Hamlet.

So… I come up to the field, surreptitiously pausing at the space between two fenceposts that serve as the entrance to the dueling rink. If my hunch is right, Hamlet is bound to be right along to “appreciate the prize”… And lo and behold, there he fucking goes. At times like those, I often find myself wishing I didn’t call it right. Now, I’m sure he has some kind of gallantly condescending tripe to spill. Something something fake condolences for “obviously” being on the losing side, empty promises to make this nicer than I think it would be, etc etc etc. Don’t care, to be honest.

So I turn around and fix him with a glare. “…don’t bother.” – I talk over him as soon as he opens his mouth – “As soon as this bout is over, regardless of the result, I am challenging your clan head. I will win, I will kill him and then I will do sufficiently horrible things to everyone in the line of succession until the whole clan is gone from existence. In all honesty, your best hope is just getting killed by Moon Unit. You will not like what I will do to you if you survive.”

This is clearly not what he expected to hear at all. Or even close to it, for that matter, because all that he manages is lame – “But why?”

“The fact you have to ask is partially why, to begin with.” – I retort – “But mostly? Thou shalt not suffer a slaver live. The very idea that your clan presumes to command me is preposterous and I will be making a big bloody example out of all of you as an abject lesson to all treeborn that no, you can not just “gain ownership” of me. Honestly, the only reason why you lived to see the dawn is the fact that Moon Unit desires to hand you your own ass personally. Don’t keep her waiting. The sooner you’re all dead, the sooner I can get on with my vacation.”

Seeing as he seems to be building up steam for some kind of rebuttal, I go with the silly option. Namely, I tell him – “Peace was never an option.” and squish myself down into the shape of a goose. And proceed to behave like a goose. I may or may not be imitating a certain untitled game, mind. I’m in that kind of mood.

Dynamic duo gives up on trying to deal with me quite quickly. It just takes a couple of honks and faking out Laertes when he tries to get smart with me and throws a basic detection spell my way. I think they expected it to be an illusion, come to think of it. Frantic whispering that occurs as soon as Laertes gets back “this is a goose” from his spell is mondo amusing. Apparently, Hamlet is now worried he had consigned himself to romance a fowl. Laertes is trying to talk him out of it, but he is more than a little shaky on the logic himself. Of course, I kind of exacerbate the whole situation by stealing their bootlaces while they’re busy trying to figure out what Hamlet is to do if I just stay as a goose out of spite “when” he wins.

I steal the bootlaces. All four of them. I hide them. I come back. And they still did not notice! HONK! Dammit, I was all set for an entertaining chase around the arena while Moon Unit is forcing Claudius to rewrite the whole challenge. Which, while we are at it, is a whole different can of worms in itself. Apparently, Claudius likes his terms in written form. Apparently, Claudius does not like when people read his written forms. Finally, apparently Claudius is not entirely certain how to handle the situation when people perusing his written forms point out numerous problems in them and force him to redo the whole thing under dictation. But he makes a lot of indignant noise just on the matter of principle, even while scribing a whole new document free from any extra clauses and additions he seems to be extremely fond of putting in.

I steal his quill. OOh, yes, the chase is on! Honk-honk motherfucker, come and get me! Ooh, that was a good one. He caught that branch right in the kisser. Aaand… he gave up and went to get a fresh quill. I ponder the merits of stealing it as well when I am suddenly picked up by Roxolane. How’d she snuck up on me like this?

“Hup!” – she says, holding me under her arm – “Where did this goose come from?”

Bridgit comes up next, panting. I guess they all chased me? She stares at me, her expression vexed. “Blasted bird.” – she murmurs, as she leans on the fence – “Roxy, how did you even manage to catch it?”

Roxolane shrugs – “You have to know how to handle the geese, that’s all. Once you know their tells, sneaking up on one is easy-peasy. Well, on the farm birds, that is. I wouldn’t be able to pull this off with a wild goose.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a wild goose, actually.” – Lily-Anne suddenly pipes in from behind – “Good catch, Roxy. Now we can get this over with. Did anyone see Alyssa?”

Roxy holds me up and pokes me right in the side! “Nope! See how well fattened this one is? Definitely farm. Wild geese are nothing but feathers and sinews this time of year.” – she says. I’m… well fattened?… HONK!

“Honk, I say! Well fattened, was it?” – I retort – “Honk to you! Honk to you all.”

She drops me. There is a moment of silence as they all back off quickly, leaving me in the middle of a triangle between them. HONK.

“…”

“…” – I know this game, girls. And I have nictating membranes, I don’t need to blink. Buuut they are all around me! Triple head maneuver it is, then!

“EEEEEK!”

And then I’m picked up again by very much not amused Moon Unit. “Alyssa. Why are you a three-headed goose?” – she asks.

“…It seemed like a good idea at the time?” – I offer, absentmindedly amending the threeheadedness – “Also, fair warning, I totally stole their bootlaces.”

She sighs. “Dear. As soon as I’m done with the demonstration, you can do anything you want to them. Including eating their heads, if you feel so inclined, though I am not sure what would you possibly learn from this, if anything. But until then, would you terribly mind not playing pranks on us while Claudius is looking for a reason to become even more annoying than he already is?” – she offers to me quietly.

“Honk.”