Vaudevillain - Dr. Zlo's Christmas Caper! - 8

Dr. Zlo’s Christmas Caper! – 8

Dr. Zlo took to the skies, firing his monocle at Mrs. Claus. A gingerbread man jumped in front, taking the hit for her and crumbling to the ground. Dr. Zlo scowled at the scene and carved a pattern with his cane. A wave of fire unleashed itself on the gingerbread men below.

“I think your gingerbread men are half-baked!” he said.

“Please, my oven at home is hotter than this,” Mrs. Claus shot back.

Sure enough, the gingerbread men emerged from the flames unscathed. Dr. Zlo clicked his tongue in annoyance.

“Fine, if fire won’t work, there’s always other options!”

The villain spun another pattern with his cane, casting a weakness spell and plucking another button bomb. The combination sent the gingerbread men scattering to pieces.

The dueling gloves took this as their cue, and rushed forward to exchange blows with Mrs. Claus. The older woman was spry for her age, ducking and weaving out of the way like a trained athlete.

“Since when is Mrs. Claus this capable!” Dr. Zlo shouted.

“Since you decided to wage war on Christmas day,” Mrs. Claus answered.

Dr. Zlo scowled and removed his hat. “Fine then, in accordance with the spirit of Christmas, take this gift!”

The villain activated his hatbot, sending it spinning at Mrs. Claus. It joined the dueling gloves in attacking, but still the matronly woman evaded. Dr. Zlo joined in with his monocle laser, but was unable to hit anything.

“Stand still!” he complained.

“You’ll have to do better than this if you want to catch me,” Mrs. Claus said. “The reindeer provide more a challenge when they play.”

“Fine, you want a challenge? I’ll give you a challenge,” Dr. Zlo menaced.

The villain switched things up, changing to the freeze spell on his cane. He then grabbed more button bombs from his inventory and threw them haphazardly around the field. Once they were sailing through the air, Dr. Zlo unleashed his freeze spell, attempting to stall as many of the buttons as possible.

Mrs. Claus frowned at the scene, realizing what the villain wanted to do. She turned, readying a retreat while dodging the attacks from Dr. Zlo’s inventions. She only needed a few more seconds.

The dueling gloves wrapped themselves around a foot, stopping the retreat short. Mrs. Claus clicked her tongue and pulled a snow globe out of her coat pocket. The globe expanded as the bombs rained down, creating a forcefield.

“More tricks!” Dr. Zlo complained.

Mrs. Claus grabbed the gloves, tearing them off her and throwing them to the side. They recovered with a shake before homing back in.

“Ho ho no you don’t!” A jolly voice shouted from the sky.

Dr. Zlo whipped his head upwards to see a bright red helicopter with reindeer painted on the side. A man in bright red pants with white trim hung from the bottom as it descended. He wore Santa’s signature cap and coat, but the coat was unbuttoned, revealing a set of glistening, toned abs. And instead of a beard the size of a snowbank, this man had his facial hair trimmed close like an action star.

Once Santa’s ‘sleigh’ was close enough to the ground, the man leaped off, landing in front of Mrs. Claus with a flex.

“Sorry I’m late, honey,” the man said. “I had to deal with a few people on the naughty list.”

“You’re here, and that’s all that matters,’ Mrs. Claus said.

Dr. Zlo rolled his eyes. “So Santa Claus is an Eighties action hero now. Don’t think this change will let you beat Dr. Zlo! For I am the greatest criminal known to mankind!”

“Ho ho ho,” Chortled Santa. “It’s always a joy to see someone with so much cheer. It’s a shame that it comes from exploiting others.”

Dr. Zlo shot a monocle laser and stared in amazement as it bounced off Santa’s abs.

“What sorcery is this?” the villain proclaimed.

“Why, the belief of all the children of the world,” Santa answered. “More specifically, I’m rubber, you’re glue.”

Santa let another laser strike him, twisting slightly. The laser ricocheted back to Dr. Zlo, forcing the villain to spin out of the air.

“What bounces off me, sticks to you,” Santa finished.

Dr. Zlo opened his mouth to speak, only to gasp as a volley of candy canes came his way. He rocketed out of the way, only to curse as the canes turned to follow him. Desperate, Dr. Zlo pulled another button from his inventory and tossed it into the chasing candy. The explosion sent him reeling through the air, but it was enough to stop the chase.

“Hatbot! Gloves!” Dr. Zlo shouted. “Get that Santa Claus!”

The contraptions turned to strike, only for Santa to scoop them up and sit down with them.

“And what do you want for Christmas?” he asked the contraptions.

The machines paused, Santa Claus’s magic warring with their commands. But eventually, the spirit of Christmas won out and the machines buzzed happily, wishing for all sorts of things that only machines were privy to.

“You useless machines!” Dr. Zlo shouted. “Must I do everything myself!”

The villain angled himself toward Santa Claus, navigating his cane to cast his disintegration beam. A blast of white shot out as Dr. Zlo charged, the villain completely forgetting his original goal in order to show Santa who was superior. Of course, in his hubris, Dr. Zlo forgot about Santa’s magic. The disintegration beam bounced off the man’s body and straight back at Dr. Zlo.

“Oh,” the villain said. “Somehow I completely forgot about that.”

The beam struck the villain, eating through his protections and health until it activated the teleporting trinket on his person. The villain vanished in a puff of smoke, appearing back inside his hideout. A few Jacques milling about slammed into each other in a panic, thought Dr. Zlo paid it no mind.

“Curse that Santa Claus,” he spat.

A swirl of red and white appeared on the table next to Dr. Zlo, leaving behind a festively wrapped lump of coal. Dr. Zlo slammed the table.

“One of these days, Santa Claus,” the villain said.

___________________

A week later Dylan sat with his friends, the group discussing the World of Supers Christmas event.

“I told you it would be too wacky,” Sweet Dream told the others. “The company let people vote on the Santas they wanted to see. You got lucky you didn’t fight Santa McSantaface.”

“Which one did we get?” Dylan asked.

“Die Hard,” Riptide answered.

“So the best Christmas movie,” Oro joked.

“Right on, dude.”

“So that’s why he looked like an Eighties action hero,” Dylan surmised.

“Too bad they couldn’t use the best line from that movie,” Oro said. “I would have loved to hear Yippee Ki-Yay Motherf*cker from Santa Claus’s Mouth.”

“I don’t think I could’ve stayed in character in he did that,” Dylan laughed.

“I don’t think anyone could,” Oro said.

“Well, at least that insanity is over now,” Dextra said. “We can go back to something more normal.”

“As normal as it can get for superheroes and villains you mean,” Oro replied.

“Quite,” Dextra answered.