The Stars Have Eyes - Chapter 29: Fine Print

Chapter 29: Fine Print

Joe was quite confused. One might think that, given his otherworldly company, this was his regular state of being. That wasn’t actually the case. Though he was ignorant on a great number of subjects and generally lacking in various types of awareness, it was rare for him to be genuinely bewildered. When confronted with something beyond his comprehension he either understood it soon after or rapidly filed it under ‘complicated things that make my head hurt’ and stopped thinking about it. However, this particular topic was one he needed to grasp firmly, not for himself but for Maggie’s sake.

“Run that by me again, please?”

“I accidentally started a cult,” she repeated herself.

“Yeah, okay, it doesn’t make any more sense the second time. Hold on, I’ll be right up.”

A dingy little hallway with a bunch of brain-blasted hooligans was hardly the ideal place for this conversation. Joe hurriedly wheeled the trolley Jeeves was on into the elevator and returned to the apartment as quickly as he could. He left the robo-butler in the entryway and rushed into the bedroom to find Maggie just as he’d left her – floating in place with her serpentine hair going bonkers. The only noticeable change that had occurred was that her face bore a worried expression instead of a calm smile.

“Where is this cult?” the man immediately asked. “And just how did you manage to accidentally start one?!”

The girl furrowed her brow.

“I was being succinct. To be more precise, the cult appeared as a consequence of my activities without my direct involvement or intention.”

“Oh. So it kind of just… happened around you?”

“That is another way of putting it, yes.”

“Then why didn’t you just say that?”

“I like seeing you befuddled. It is adorable.”

She allowed herself a playful smirk, though that lasted only a moment before her concern resurfaced.

“Coping via humour aside, this is a most undesired development. My agreement with the Supernatural Eviction Agency demanded that I not form, encourage, or partake in any organized worship of my being.”

“Hold on,” Joe motioned for her to stop. “What cult? I’ve not seen any blokes in robes doing weird chants in dark rooms around here. Well, not since I met you.”

“The individuals that accosted you just now are part of it,” she revealed.

“But you took care of them, right?”

“A small part of it,” she added. “There are approximately one hundred and twenty thousand members by my estimate, and they are growing rapidly.”

Joe’s eyes went wide. Forget cult, a following of that size might just be enough to form a religion.

“When and how in the bloody hell did that happen?!” his voice cracked. “Without you noticing, too! I mean, you notice everything!”

“Joe, please. I am not omniscient. Though my knowledge and perception are exceptional by your standards, in the grand scheme of things they cover a miniscule part of your universe. Even matters within my sight can escape my notice if I do not know to look for them.”

“Right, sorry,” he immediately felt bad for raising his voice. “It’s just, it’s not like you to be this neglectful.”

“Indeed. This oversight is most concerning. I should have foreseen this given all that I have learned about humanity, but chose personal satisfaction over vigilance.”

Maggie sighed heavily.

“I knew I should’ve taken down that highlight reel.”

It was only at this point that Joe finally grasped the nature of this ‘cult’ that had the girl’s coils in a twist.

“Wait, is this about your fan club?”

“Yes.”

“That’s… not a cult. It’s a fan club,” he pointed out the obvious.

“My research makes it clear that, based on their activities, fan clubs and cults are synonymous.”

“How do you figure that?”

“They are formed of easily influenced individuals that worship entities they barely understand in an effort to fill some perceived void in their lives.”

“Uh… You mean they’re a bunch of lonely blokes that have nothing better to do than pine over some cute girl on the web?”

“They also create effigies that idolize and venerate the object of their worship.”

“Who the what?”

The girl nodded towards the electronic picture frame hanging over the bed, with Mechalizabeth II’s reassuring cyber-smile being momentarily replaced by a digital artist’s rendition of Maggie. It was definitely what some might consider ‘idolized,’ especially around the hip, waist, and chest area.

“That’s just fanart,” Joe shook his head. “People will draw anything for a laugh.”

“They also sacrifice personal wealth and possessions while expecting and receiving nothing in return.”

“Like, donations and stuff? That was just the one time!”

“There’s also the disproportionate, unlawful, and often violent persecution of those they perceive as non-believers.”

“That… yeah, okay, I’ll give you that one.”

Joe himself used to get unreasonably mad and confrontational whenever someone said something bad about Melinda Sparklestar online. It was a bad habit that died the day Maggie fell into his life. In fact, thinking back to how he used to behave back then made him realize that the girl, as per usual, probably had a point. He wasn’t fully convinced that fan clubs were just a socially acceptable form of cults, but it wasn’t his name on that contract. If his recent court experience was any indication, those highly technical terms and conditions were more open to interpretation than one might think. Director Millington was definitely the sort of greased weasel that would try to take advantage of this situation, so Maggie was right to be concerned.

“Does it count if it was accidental, though?” he tried a different angle. “I mean, you just said this just kind of happened without you. They can’t blame you for that, right?”

“Intent does not absolve negligence,” she bluntly stated.

Maggie could have done any number of things to keep herself hidden and prevent this from happening. Right from the start, she could have employed a psionic perception filter that rendered her practically invisible to everyone who wasn’t already aware of her. Alternatively she could have simply opted for a less conspicuous vessel. Or she might have purged all references to herself from those damnable message boards before they became embedded in the public consciousness. Last but not least, there wouldn’t have been a viral video that caused her popularity to explode literally overnight if she hadn’t dragged that trial out just to satisfy her curiosity.

“I have already decided I am at fault,” Maggie frowned at Joe. “Though I know you mean well, I would appreciate it if you stopped trying to look for ways for me to dodge this responsibility.”

“But it’s not your fault!”

“Is it not? If Officer Maloney were to accidentally hit an innocent bystander when firing upon an armed criminal, you would surely want him held accountable.”

“I… guess I would,” Joe finally relented. “So, what now? Do we dismantle the fan club?”

“That would be pointless. To revisit my previous metaphor, removing the bullet from the bystander would not erase the fault in Officer Maloney’s actions.”

“Hey!” Agent Johanson suddenly stepped through the doorway. “I don’t know what cosmic fuckery you’re up to, but stop bad-mouthing Grant like that!”

She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but Joe had left the bedroom door open when he rushed in earlier and neither of the two really had an ‘indoor voice.’ AJ tried her best to ignore the argument but couldn’t help actively listening in once she overheard Mags mention her new boyfriend. The psi-ops had taken full advantage of the Class-3’s absence over the past week and had spent much of it with the policeman. Things were getting rather serious, actually. AJ’s outburst just now was evidence enough of that. Usually she tried to avoid getting caught up in this weirdo couple’s affairs, yet she had burst into the room yelling with zero hesitation just to defend Maloney’s honor. She realized how rude and out of line she was immediately after the fact, of course, but it was too late to pull out now. Besides, she had a feeling she wasn’t entirely unconcerned with whatever was going on.

“What’s this all about, anyway?” AJ inquired.

“Well,” Joe scratched his head, “long story short, Maggie’s fan club got so big that it’s basically a cult, and her contract says she’s not supposed to have one of those.”

“Oh. So… does that mean the whole agreement is now void and null?”

“Among other things, yes,” the girl confirmed.

“Bollocks.”

Agent Johanson did not like this news one bit. If that deal was terminated, then her current assignment went with it. Though she had her reservations at first, she had grown rather fond of this strange life as a Class-3’s roomie. She knew it couldn’t last forever, of course, but having it end so abruptly left a foul taste in her mouth. Things were just getting good with Maloney, too. AJ really didn’t want to leave, but couldn’t refuse once she was ordered to.

“Does this have something to do with that highlight reel of you guys?”

“You saw that too, huh?” Joe groaned.

“Well, yeah. It went viral in a big way. Frankly, I’d be more surprised if you found someone around here who hadn’t seen it yet… Wait… Where’d that thing come from?”

“Huh?”

“The video. I mean, it wasn’t you two that made it, right?”

Neither of them were vain enough to post recordings of themselves for all to see. Actually, Joe might’ve done it for a laugh, but even then that thing was too well made to be his handiwork. Or any random bloke’s, for that matter. The video wouldn’t have exploded like that if it didn’t have that high-quality, almost professional level of editing.

“Of course not,” he admitted as much. “Mr. Charles put it together.”

“No, he didn’t,” AJ adamantly claimed.

“Are… are you sure about that?”

“Yes, I’m sure. My team looked into everyone Mags interacted with when she first got here. Mr. Charles does not have the technical know-how to make that. Not to mention it wasn’t posted under his account.”

“But then… who did? And how did it get here so fast?”

Joe and Sarah blankly stared at each other for a second before they reached the same conclusion. A quick glance at Maggie and the alien eyes that rapidly appeared within the darkness of her coiling locks confirmed she had not only caught on, but was actively investigating. Sure enough, after some frighteningly quick and thorough digging, she confirmed the Supernatural Eviction Agency had orchestrated the whole thing. They had done their best to cover their tracks, of course, but little remained hidden from the Observer’s gaze once it knew what it was looking for.

Their reasons for doing this weren’t immediately apparent, but AJ could make an educated guess. Having worked under Millington for years, she knew what that tub of expired mayonnaise was like better than anyone else in the room. He likely planned to use this manufactured violation to void the contract and then use it as leverage to renegotiate a new deal that was even more in his favor. The greedy git wasn’t just playing with fire. Trying to double-cross a Class-3 cosmic entity was like juggling with armed nuclear warheads. While Agent Johanson would’ve liked to see him get his comeuppance, the realization of what Mags was actually capable of filled her with a surge of panic.

“L-let’s not get hasty now, yeah?” she urged the many-eyed entity. “Just because Millington’s an arsehole is no reason to go blip him out of existence.”

“I agree completely,” Maggie calmly stated. “Retaliation of such severity is both unwarranted and unnecessary.”

“What? Why?!” the psionic suddenly grew angry. “That two-faced bastard tried to trick you! The least you could do is knock his teeth out!”

“So do you want him to get hurt or not?” Joe mumbled at her indecisiveness.

“You misunderstand, Agent Johanson. By attempting to intentionally undermine and sabotage the contract, Director Millington is in violation of clause 13-B. I shall pursue appropriate restitution as outlined within our agreement, but disintegration does not factor into it.”

“Oh. Right, yeah,” the psionic calmed down. “What sort of restitution?”

“It is my unbiased and objective estimation that this matter can be settled via the transfer of a model OS-64-M ‘Silver Tempest’ orbital shuttlecraft into my personal possession.”

“Woof!” AJ exclaimed, her face twisting to one of malicious satisfaction. “Hitting him in his pockets, he won’t like that. Not one bit.”

“Indeed. The pressure such a purchase will put on him and the Supernatural Eviction Agency’s budget should serve as adequate punishment for this transgression.”

“What if he just refuses to pay up?”

Joe’s question was mostly wishful thinking, as he had a feeling that he’d be dragged into whatever Maggie intended to do with that fancy shuttle, which probably involved space travel.

“He would be foolish to do so,” the girl confidently stated. “Especially since I have all but confirmed the reason for the spatial instabilities within the Third British Empire’s territory.”

She would need to perform a series of experiments and observations on wormhole generators to be absolutely sure, but Maggie was fairly certain the cause had to do with the irradiated gasses involved in the devices’ operation. British vessels vented these into the void of space immediately after a jump, whereas american ships were mandated to contain and store them for recycling. The law in question was put in place out of concern for the economy rather than the environment. The Mostly United Republic of Inter-Cosmic America saw significantly more interstellar traffic than the Third British Empire, yet at the same time had less access to the fuel sources and raw materials required to sustain this elevated level of transit. In short, they didn’t have the luxury of dumping the aforementioned gasses like the brits did, hence why the recycling regulations were put in place hundreds of years ago.

This was, as far as Maggie could tell, the most glaring difference between 3BE’s and MURICA’s freighter ships and therefore the most likely cause of the elevated spatial erosion within British space.

“And Director Millington would be very eager to have this information, even if it cost him twelve million poundingtons,” the girl added with a small smile.

“W-well, the important thing is everything will get back to normal,” Joe changed the subject.

“Or at least as normal as things get in this looney bin,” AJ added with a chuckle.

“I wish to thank you in particular, Agent Johanson,” Maggie turned to the psionic. “Your insight has kept me from mistakenly believing I have violated my obligations.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just put a good word in whatever report you compile later. Anyway, I need to go write a sternly worded letter to Millington.”

Which, in british culture, was a polite way of saying she was going to swear at him so hard that it might constitute a war crime.

“Unrelated to any of that,” Maggie turned to Joe once AJ had left, “my unofficially sanctioned cult is preparing a large ritual involving the sacrifice of living flesh. I intend to attend, and would appreciate it if you accompanied me.”

“… Please tell me you’re talking about that open barbeque in the park tomorrow.”

He vaguely remembered seeing a huge topic about it on the messageboards earlier.

“That is what I am referring to, yes.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, I doubt they’ll react to me being around you any better than those nutters in the basement.”

“We must confront this organization sooner or later, and this is as good an opportunity as any.”

Joe’s eyes narrowed at the thin streak of drool oozing from the corner of her mouth.

“They’ll have organic hamburgers, won’t they?”

“They’ll have organic hamburgers, yes.”

The man sighed.

“Look, I’ll get Cullen to get you a few, but let’s not rile the nerd brigade up any more than we have to, yeah?”

“This is permissible.”

Joe breathed a sigh of relief. He already got punched once today, and frankly, could do without any more excitement for at least a week.