Isekai’d Shoggoth - Chapter 133: Where Idiots Roam…

Chapter 133: Where Idiots Roam…

Well, that explains why I got the invitation. Baron’s son was one of the ringleaders in the plaza. I wonder if it’s just him being impressed with yesterday’s performance, or… Or. Perfunctory rituals of politeness have to be observed before I find out anything new, though. Exchanging the greetings and introductions… Which is strange in itself, because on one hand, Lily-Anne should have precedence over me, insofar as social ranking goes, but since the invitation was to me “plus retinue”… Yeah, well, baron may have had basically stuck himself into committing a minor lese majeste. I don’t think Lily-Anne cares enough to make an issue out of it, but the baron himself certainly feels the “ooshit I done goofed up”, though he does have a good poker face. His son, on the flip side, appears to lack any awareness of the situation they’re in. He is being “gallant” at me. Obnoxiously so. Unfortunately, not obnoxiously enough for me to actually beat him over it.

The day drags on with servants being… less than ideally even about us all. Me and Lily-Anne, we do get the full deference and politeness, Moon Unit is not waited on hand and foot the way we do, but they obviously pay attention. Roxy, Bridgit and Cy, on the flip side, are treated like they’re my servants. Which, I guess, is how they see it. I am sorely tempted to leave right here and now, to be honest, but everyone else except Cy are all “plz don’t make a scene, it’s fine”. It’s not. It’s really not. But if this is the vacation experience they… argh. I just… argh. I’m CERTAIN that the whole problem is simply because no one fully internalizes that Bridgit and Roxolane are actually higher than this baron and his whole family. Their whole “but we’re commoners” impulse tends to override the “we’re married to high nobles and therefore are high nobles ourselves” notion. And the only way I can overcome this properly is with time and patience.

As I stew over my frustration with social inertia and the consequences of thereof in the room “graciously” provided by the baron (it fucking sucks, my own rooms at the airship are orders of magnitude better furnished), one of the manor servants knocks on the door to tell me I am expected at the dining hall. Arglbargl.

___

Well, this is… just peachy. Apparently, only Lily-Anne and Moon Unit warrant an invitation to dinner. Neither of them wants to look in my direction. I am guessing they are feeling awkward about their earlier requests not to make a scene. Fine. Whatever. We will remain here just as long as it takes for social rituals to be fulfilled and not a second more! I am feeling offended, yes. And the entertainment is fucking bad, while we are at it. The “small talk” over dinner is very stilted. Probably in no small part because of me obviously being miffed. Baron himself has the “what do I do!?” airs about him and his attempts at entertaining conversation reek of desperation. Lily-Anne’s whole behavior right now can be summed up as “this guy is technically right, but I am feeling guilty for even suggesting he might be right anyways”. And Moon Unit is simply darkly amused. If her zingers are of any indication, she already decided the scene would be thrown no matter what and she’s simply anticipating me getting vicious.

The question is, where the hell is baron’s son? Since he was the guy who caused this whole invitation to begin with, he should be suffering with us at the dinner. So where is he?

Huh.

He is actually coming into Bridgit’s room right now. Without asking her permission. And ignoring her rather warranted request for explanations… AAAnd Bridgit warps herself out of the room and into the next one where Cy is stuck. While I stand up, turn around and march towards the doors out of the dining hall without any further explanations, furious beyond measure. Dumbass tried to get handsy with my wife. Given the clamor behind me, baron did take the breach in etiquette badly, not that I give a fuck anymore. He catches up soon after, his protestations being summarily ignored as I proceed down the corridor, meeting his son just as he comes out of Bridgit’s room, looking puzzled and spooked.

“Hello there, little guy.” – I murmur with a smile – “Now what could you possibly want with Bridgit, I wonder?”

And this is the point where baron grabs my elbow from behind.

“Enough! Lady Gillespie, I do try to be a gracious host, but this goes beyond any limits!” – he shouts – “I… HURK!”

The last may be due to me lifting him in the air by the throat.

“So.” – I continue, as his son abruptly pales and jumps back, glancing around nervously – “Would you care to explain your behavior, jungherr Hanslich?”

I see him glancing at his father. Probably too intimidated to talk. So I toss the baron down in his general direction and smile – “I’m waaaaiting for an answer.”

___

I did not get my answer. Instead, baron very huffily demands everyone would retreat back to the dining hall to “discuss this”. I notice he and his son are quickly talking to each other on the way there. Probably hashing out the story. Not that I care. The transgression against Bridgit was VERY clear, and I will be taking my pound of flesh from them. Furthermore, this incident completely quashes any reservations my wives might have had about not causing a scene, so I have a united front once again. That being said, baron prepares to talk. Let’s see how far the rabbit hole of idiocy goes.

“I do not care.” – I enunciate, staring directly at the baron as I talk over whatever he tried to say – “I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR SON WAS DOING IN BRIDGIT’S ROOM WITHOUT PERMISSION.”

I think it is finally dawning on them both that there is an issue that I am intent to push hard, if the glances they exchange are of any indication. Then the aforementioned son speaks up.

“I am terribly sorry, milady, if I overstepped any bounds.” – he begins, and I scoff. IF? Dumbass, there is NO if about it. The way he continues, however, makes me just blink at him in utter astonishment at the complete bullshit that comes out of his mouth – “But I beg of you to forgive me nonetheless for your maid is a most beguiling creature and one could hardly fail a true man such as myself for not heeding her call.”

“Are you insinuating that Bridgit invited you into her room?” – I smile at him thinly.

“Milady, this is but my family house. I hardly need a commoner’s invitation to enter one of my rooms, after all.” – he grins right back at me.

“Bridgit is mine.” – I retort forcefully – “And I gave you NO permission to approach her.”

It is clear he is unsure how to respond to this if his perplexed glancing around is of any indication. Ooh, daddums to the rescue.

“Ahem, hrm.” – he interjects himself into the conversation – “Lady Gillespie, it may be such that my son caused a small offense with his infatuation, but surely borrowing your maid for a night is not the reason to spit on the customs of sacred hospitality? Please, I understand that this may be your favorite maid, but it’s still just a maid. I would gladly let you pick any three of my maids as replacements if this is truly such a problem. I’m confident we can find bedwarmers suitable for your taste.”

I sigh. Inhale. Exhale. Count back from ten in my mind.

“Baron Hanslich, you seem to be laboring under a grave and deeply offensive misunderstanding.” – I then offer – “I am not objecting to your son’s actions as Bridgit’s employer. I am objecting as her wife.”

Oh, wow. I have NEVER seen someone literally gape their mouth at me before.

“Speaking of sacred hospitality.” – I continue implacably – “I do NOT feel particularly hospitable right now, considering you failed to invite half of my harem and my daughter to the dinner. Insofar as I can tell, you have mistaken them for my servants. I believe you can see how this is offensive to me. Still, I was willing to overlook your ignorant insult, because all of my harem spoke to me on your behalf. But considering the fact that your son was intending to use your mistakes for a chance to gift me with a pair of horns? Yeah, I’m not inclined to enjoy your so-called hospitality any longer, baron. Rest assured, I will remember your boorish behavior and adjust my expectations of you accordingly.”

___

Back on the airship, I sigh, turn around and hug everyone at the same time.

“That… was an excessively miserable experience.” – I say after a few moments of companionable silence – “All in favor of not accepting any more invitations like these?”

“Come on, Alyssa…” – Lily-Anne whines – “Sure, Hansliches were godsawful, but I’m sure there are good people to visit.”

“I… would quite prefer we do not, yes.” – Roxolane weighs in cautiously – “For all I know, the next one might be infatuated with me, and my escape options are not quite as impressive as Bridgit’s.”

“I want to agree with Lily-Anne, but… the very fact that Hansliches did not bother finding out who is who in our relationship before making assumptions sits ill with me.” – Moon Unit muses – “Perhaps we can compromise on vetting invitations before accepting them?”

Cy snorts and tickles me in lieu of answering. Not sure what is that supposed to mean. Still, she does pass along clearly enough that this is all the answer I’m getting on the topic, so I turn to Bridgit.

“I’m… incensed, mistress.” – she murmurs, blushing – “The very idea that I am not yours entirely, ugh! That awful…”

She is promptly hugged by everyone else, including me and shudders briefly, before continuing – “I… also would like to limit our visitations to people we have reasons to trust.”

“So… scrutiny before we accept any from now on?” – I sum up – “Not just verifying the invitation is really from the people it purports to be from, but also the general character and reputation of our would-be hosts before saying anything, and woe betide any uncouth sod who wants an immediate answer?”

I’m getting my answers in form of hugs. This is entirely fine with me.

___

Baron’s aide looks helplessly irate as I escort him out of the ship. I suppose it might have grinded his gears a little to hear me say baron does not possess anything I would consider valuable enough to accept as an apology gift. Strictly speaking, I should have probably demanded something to let him off the hook, but he literally has nothing that would look like a suitable apology gift to the general public AND be light and compact enough for me to take on the airship. Honestly, his best offer would be one of his horses, which are pretty good, but I have neither inclination nor gumption to build a stable into my zeppelin. There’s being eccentric, and then there’s just being weird, and having a horse with you mid-flight is way into just plain weird area. He does not possess any decent jewelry that would make a good gift to the duke’s firstborn daughter, which is the measuring stick that would be used, because if we go with “wife of the royal princess”, things get really complicated. He does not possess any rare artifacts or valuable spices. And asking for a lump sum is doable, but insofar as I was able to find out, anything I would consider worth the effort of getting up for would pauper the guy. So all in all, I think the best solution here is just to leave things be as they are. Being known as a baron too poor to not give offense hosting duke’s offspring is not THAT bad of a rep, if you think about it. The worst that can be ascribed to Hansliches is that they tried their best to proffer the hospitality as the custom demands, and I am just way too high-maintenance for them to cope with. Well, at least as far as the public knows. If it became public knowledge that the offense was not being unable to give lavish enough welcome, but an attempt to cuckold me? Yeah, well, the big old reason why I kept this tidbit on the down-low is because if it became public, I’d pretty much have to eat their he… to blood feud them out of existence. Or my own reputation would take a hell of a hit. The fact they’re baron family works against me in that case – being willing to overlook a cucking attempt from someone this far below me on the social ladder?… myeah, just no good way to spin it without gaining a bad rep. Either they’ll assume I’m a rank coward or they’ll assume I have a fetish for getting cuckolded, and neither of the two is something tolerable as far as I care.

I’m also pretty sure there will be some petty sabotage going my way from them, because of course they won’t take this “slight” laying down, but fuck them. I just can’t muster enough giving a damn, given what that horny bastard tried to pull. They’ll just have to live with the slightly bad rep. Unless they do something spectacularly stupid and I’ll actually start eating heads here as well. Whatever, at least now I can go back to my prepaid lot near the gates and not bother with the hour-long commute by carriage the baron was far too happy to foist on us. For fuck’s sake, how the hell “wait half-hour for stablehands to prepare carriage, wait another half-hour inside stinky shaky carriage without fucking shocks, repeat last experience to return” beats “fly over your whole home to a spot which is in five minutes of leisure walk away from the market”? For some absolutely inane reason, people seem to be readily assuming flying on a dirigible is hard, long and terrifying.

Aaanyway, the negotiations are over, such as they are, and now I’m planning our market outing without having to bother with the baron and his useless attempts at hospitality. Since it’s late afternoon by now, I doubt there would be much left unsold on the marketsquare. Most actual trading occurs in the morning, by dinner most peddlers are sold out and the shops switch over to tourist mode. Which means there’s much less to buy all around, but much more to do. The gaming booths open up after midday too, so an afternoon at the market is more like visiting a fair than anything else.

…I jot down the idea and idly “mail” it over to Rory’s tablet. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but I just happened to think it would be hysterical if dwarves open the first ever shopping mall in their town. And it just might be a good investment overall, given that each dwarf is in some way an artisan, even if their daily job is shoveling manure. Seriously, nearly all of them have some kind of hobby that revolves around the production of bric-a-brac. I’ve seen figurines, ornamental daggers, woodcuts, ceramics and whathaveyou else. Creating some way for them to monetize this would contribute quite a lot to their social recovery. Creating a mall that could be a tourist attraction and centralized monetization venue would be an interesting mid-term project. They’re not gonna pull it off right now, which is why the plans I send his way detail the construction of an underground mall. The idea is that they would build one once they create their first subterranean settlement. So far, only a few outposts have been established, as they scout the mountains for appropriate caves and whatnot. Caves nothing, if I have to teach them how to bore tunnels with magical heat lances, I will. Because dwarves should have their underground kingdom, or what kind of isekai is this?

Heh.

Anyway, let’s prowl around for interesting stuff on the market. I’ve made sure everyone has plenty of crownmarks and a tablet. Time to have some fun.